necessary illusions

It is surprising how little I am involved in the perpetuation of what I call "myself". At the moment, I am passively lying on this bed, hoping that my body will fight off the disease and that I will be able to roam free again. I witness my temperature go up and down. I keep losing and regaining my appetite. I say "my" temperature and "my" appetite but none of these things are really under my control. In fact, what I rationally desire often conflicts with what my body dictates. For instance, whenever I regain my appetite, I try not to eat anything because I feel afraid of throwing up again.

Anyways... These are necessary illusions. Once I recover, I will again forget how little I am in control of things.